On Self-Doubt

self-doubtAs I sat down to write my post for today, I felt kind of uninspired.  I've kind of felt like that a lot lately. And sometimes it carries into my shop as well. I could say that I don't know what it's from. But I do.

Some of it comes from being tired because Mr. T and I spent four hours hanging the new light I bought. But most of it comes from self-doubt.

It's been a huge - I mean H-U-G-E - battle for me lately. Right now I doubt everything about myself. And, not to be dramatic, but it's sucking the life and the fun out of me.

And bear with me, you guys, because this post is about to get word vomity and some of it might be stuff I mentioned before, but I need to gather my thoughts. I need to work some shit out.

Self-doubt's a real bitch, isn't it?

I don't think my blog posts are good enough.

I don't think my shop items are pretty enough.

I don't think I'm a good wife, daughter, friend.

I don't think I do enough around the house.

I blame a lot of it on the transition from a corporate job to working for myself. But the truth is, I didn't get a ton of validation at that job. There were tons of days where I felt totally unappreciated. But, I was doing what you're supposed to do - being all grown up, working a job, and paying all of my bills and stuff.

But now I have no idea what I do all day. I mean, that's not technically true. I do a whole list of things all day. But you know what I mean.

And all of those things make me happy. I love making a home for us. I love that I do all of these things so Mr. T can be successful at what he's doing. And he is you guys. He's brilliant and amazing (duh, that's why I married him). And some of that success comes from me.

But I'd be lying if I said that was enough. I mean, you can't get your feelings of self-worth from others. You just can't.

But the problem isn't that I'm not doing awesome. The problem is that I'm looking to others to set my standards for me. And after reading this article over on Allyn Lewis, I realized how wrong I really have it.

I look to bigger and more popular shops to tell me how to run my shop.

I look to bigger bloggers to tell me how to run my blog.

And I look at much more famous people to tell me how to run my home.

That's where I get my standards and my validation. By comparing myself to other people that I'm not even sure I want to be. By comparing myself to people I'll never be.

I'm not thinking about what I want. I'm not thinking about what makes me feel good, successful, and happy. I'm only thinking about other people. What they're doing. What they're thinking.

You're never going to please everyone or be anyone else so it's totally an uphill battle.

Side note: I'm well aware that as a blogger and creator of goods I'd like people to buy that I need to worry about posts and items that people will actually be interested in. But that's not what I'm talking about here. This is so, so much deeper.

The fact of the matter is, I do feel successful.

I mean, would ya look at me?

I've lived various places including New York City which was my dream. I used to cry because I never thought I would ever make it there.

I run a blog and a stationery store. I crank out all sorts of fun things that are all handmade by ME. I write posts three times a week (usually). I figure out the topics and take the pictures. And I made the site myself.

I work for Holl & Lane. I've helped that magazine grow and become the pretty little gem that it is. And it's made me part of an awesome team.

I run our home. And that's a big job. The house is rarely ever messy. It smells nice. It's decorated well (which is a work in progress and I still need to write a post about that). And I cook some pretty amazing meals.

And I'm a pretty awesome dog mom.

I'm also a kick ass chick. I'm funny. I'm smart. I'm caring.

And let's not forget the fact that I was brave enough to quit my job to do all of this.

All of that is me. And all of that is enough. I am enough.

Sure, there are lots of things I still want to do. Lots of things I'm learning. But instead of making that make me feel like a failure, I need to let it challenge me. Let it fuel me to keep going.

The truth is, I might never be famous. I might just make a few sales and have a good amount of readers. But why do I need to be famous? Why is that my goal? Is that even my goal?

Honestly, no. I honestly don't care. I guess somewhere along the line I just thought it should be or something. I don't even know.

I worry way too much about what other people think and what other people are doing. And maybe I always have, but I just didn't realize it because I wasn't out on my own trying to figure things out.

I'm the person who decides what's right for me. I decide my own standards and goals.