I've been going through various songs on Spotify to start the overwhelming task of making a playlist for the wedding. I was listening to Vitamin String Quartet when I heard something that sounded so familiar. And not in the way that most of those songs do. But like I was reminded of something. I looked and realized I was listening to the orchestra version of "The Reason" by Hoobastank.
Who remembers that song? Who is also judging me for having so many memories of that song? Stop it.
I was instantly transported back to college. To hanging out with my former best friend/roommate. To so many things related to Mr. BST. Who remembers him? I haven't thought about him in so long. But hearing that song totally brought me back to that time in my life. It's like I'm still there or something (and it feels a little weird).
Side note: isn't it weird how things do that?
That song was my favorite song for quite some time and I haven't been able to listen to it since the falling out with that friend and since all the drama behind Mr. BST. It just made me sad to think about that time in my life.
Thankfully it's never popped up on a playlist. Until now. How strange that it would be while I was in full on wedding mode.
At first when I heard it I was sad. And not because I didn't want to think of that time in my life. But actually because I was thinking of that friend and wondering what she was doing. Wondering what her life was like. And wondering if she ever has the same thoughts about me when she hears a song from our college days. I kind of wanted to tell her I was getting married. That I fulfilled my lifelong dream of moving to New York City. And for a moment I wondered what her life was like and if she was happy.
Then I thought about Mr. BST and in this weird way. It wasn't out of bitterness or spite. I just thought about that time in my life when we were together. I can't say it was fondness, but I felt at peace. And it was kind of weird for a minute. To be reminded of him and reminded of the fact that I haven't thought about him in so long.
And, then I realized all of this and thought about the girl I was then. Good god I've changed so much. I barely even know that girl anymore. She was lost. She was scared. She wasn't me.
If I could only tell that girl what life would be like now. If I could have let her see the future. Who knows?
The more I thought about that time, the more my feelings about it changed. It really doesn't feel sad to think about that time anymore. It was kind of a dark period for so many reasons that go well beyond Mr. BST. I was extremely overweight. My parents were getting a divorce. I wasn't happy in the Midwest and had no idea where I was going in life (or where I wanted to go) But none of that really matters anymore. It's the past. And in some weird way I feel at peace with it all.
Now I'm here. I'm happy now. My mom tells me that every single time she talks to me. She can just hear it in my voice. A lot of it is Mr. T, I can't deny that. No matter how much that man annoys me. No matter how many times we fight. I love him and I am so happy that I found him.
But I've also learned to appreciate the things that I have in life. The people that I have in my life. All of it is amazing and I'm pretty lucky.
And, more than anything, I've found love in myself. I feel a sense of purpose. I'm more confident and I have far more love and respect for myself now than I ever did then. I think that's the best feeling you can ever have. It's almost liberating.
And all of that came from a simple song. By Hoobastank.
It's weird, but an important realization. Love yourself. Have respect for yourself. Be confident. Let others love you. Appreciate what you have and where you are in life. And, don't be sad about the past. Be proud that it helped you be who you are. And, of course, if you're not happy with who you are then work to be happy. Do whatever it takes. It might seem like a long journey (ugh I hate that word!), but it's so worth it in the end.
And now I will go back to writing about organizing.