This week has been a breath of fresh air, you guys. And I have no idea why.
I seriously have felt so much better about all of this stuff. (And, PS, thank you all for the kind words and comments. It really helps me to keep going.)
I realized a couple of things this week.
1. I'm going to fall off the damn wagon sometimes. Probably a lot. Probably really hard sometimes. But I'm human. And it's not just about falling off the wagon that matters. It's how I pick myself up and how I learn from it. I need to stop beating myself up. I need to stop making myself feel like I'm scum of the Earth for ordering pizza a few too many times. Shit happens. This time is different and I know it.
Side note: Mr. T and I have decided to be better about allowing ourselves real treats so maybe we falling off the wagon won't be so easy.
2. It's harder now. It just is. When you first start, every single thing is seen as progress.
Your jeans get a little big.
You didn't eat the entire cheesecake.
You give yourself a pat on the back for every little thing because every little thing seems like climbing a mountain.
But harder doesn't mean anything. It just is what it is.
3. I maybe need to dress my body better. When I first started this whole thing I dropped a couple of sizes pretty quick. And I was all over buying new clothes.
But some of that has slowed. I haven't noticed a huge drop in sizes. Some of it's because of just the usual leveling off that happens when you're being healthier.
But some of it is because I haven't really been paying that much attention.
When I first started I bought smaller jeans and tried them on all the time. Now I don't really do that. I work from home so I wear leggings daily and it's harder to tell if you're losing because leggings really kind of fit no matter what.
Well Thursday I realized how big my leggings really were. Pardon me for TMI, but the crotch sagged like a diaper. And then, for fun, I somehow discovered that I could actually pull my leggings up over my shoulders. I mean, seriously you guys. OVER MY SHOULDERS. That's now how pants are supposed to fit (though it was most hilarious).
So Friday I put on a new pair and holy moly they fit like a glove - or, you know, like leggings are supposed to fit. And I was shocked because I saw my body differently. I actually took a picture and I'm sharing it even though this is pretty terrifying to me.
But I'm sharing it anyway (also because Mr. T told me too and that man is smart and knows things).
And I have to throw in the disclaimer to excuse the messy room. And the ugly mirror. And the ugly paint. And the fact that I feel too old to take a photo like this.
But let's just focus on me for a minute. Ok?
I don't have a comparison photo really. Partially because I would have never taken a picture of myself in leggings before. And I sure as hell wouldn't have posted it on the interwebs.
The closest I can come is this:
This is from my birthday celebration in 2015. I'm actually wearing said leggings in the picture and I totally couldn't have pulled them up to my shoulders then. Oh and I now wear that shirt as a pajama dress.
Or maybe this:
This is from a wedding around the same time. I can remember crying when I got dressed because I put a hole in my tights and I didn't want to go to the wedding with nothing under my dress. I hated my legs and I felt like my stomach just fell out of my dress. I wanted to hide it. I wanted to hide myself. I felt ugly. In a moment where I should have looked pretty.
But back to Friday and my pic in the leggings. I felt beautiful. There I was. Standing there in leggings. No makeup. Hadn't washed my hair in a couple of days (I totally showered though, I swear). And I loved myself. I loved the way I looked. Nothing fancy. Just me. And I think that's the first time since I started this whole thing that I felt that way. Actually, that's the first time in a long time that I felt that way.
I even looked at the picture a few more times that day. Because I liked how it looked. I liked how I looked. And I was so proud of myself.
So I decided that I need to be better with the clothes stuff.
I gave in and spent some money to buy some more clothes. It was actually fun looking for stuff. I need to remember to dress my body for what it looks like now. It's something I find a challenge because the stuff that fits me feels tight. And that's because it fits and because my body has more shape so things hug me in different ways.
I've also decided to make some garlands out of my old clothes. I can't think of anything more wonderful than making something beautiful out of the things that you used to feel ugly in.
It's happening, you guys. I'm starting to love myself again. But really love myself. I'm appreciating myself. Who I am. All of my flaws. And it's the best feeling in the world.
I'm sure it will get hard again. But this is for sure the most progress I've made so far.