I've talked so much about progress. Actually it's all I've thought about. And I think it's one of the most difficult things about all of this healthy living stuff. And likely one of the reasons that I always gave up before.
I just feel stuck.
But then the other day I posted a picture this picture on Instagram:
That was me, five years ago. (I originally put four years, but it's been five. Apparently I have no idea when I met Mr. T.)
I loved that picture, It was one of my favorite pictures ever. It totally showed how I felt about myself. How I felt about life. I was happy. Confident. I was so many things.
And that's been my goal. To get there again.
Well then a friend told me I should do a side by side comparison with a recent picture. So I did.
The one on the left is the one from five years ago. The one on the right is from a couple of weeks ago. And when I look at the two pictures side by side I'm pretty shocked. I don't know if that gal from four years ago is really all that much skinnier.
I mean, I know I wore a smaller size in jeans so I assume she was. But when I look at myself now I see someone totally different. I'm not sure if I'd say I'm skinnier. I'm still trying to figure out how to judge that or if I even should be judging that. And that might be a whole other post.
But damn, look at me now. Seriously. Who cares if I'm not skinnier. (And that's kind of the point here).
Now me (I know that's poor grammar or something, but that's what we're calling her) looks amazing. Confident. Beautiful. Wonderful. Now me looks so much healthier than then me (poor grammar, but keep working with me).
The weird thing is, the picture on the left was from a photo shoot. Where really fancy people did my makeup. And fancy photographers took my picture. And fancy people styled me.
The one on the right was taken on a whim. One day I was like "I need a cool pic for my website". So I took my unwashed hair out of the bun it was in. Put myself in front of our fireplace and the cool wall in our living room and snapped some pics with my phone. In full disclosure I hadn't washed my hair in days. And I was only wearing a little mascara and some stuff on my brows.
I loved the picture on the left so much. It was my favorite picture at the time. I used it on my dating profile. I thought it represented everything I was and wanted to be.
A large part of my problem is that I keep comparing myself to that girl. That girl who loved the way she looked. That girl that was so happy and confident. And I don't feel like that girl anymore.
But what I didn't even realize is that I'm actually becoming something even better than that girl. I'm healthier. I'm stronger. And maybe I'm even on my way to being even more confident in my skin.
That girl may have been skinnier at one time, but she wasn't healthy. I ate out almost every night of the week. And I ATE. I mean wings, fries, burgers. And the beer, you guys. So many beers.
Now me is gaining control of her eating. She isn't spiraling out of control. And that's pretty awesome.
Now me feels so much better about her choices.
I've been working so hard to be that girl again that I didn't realize that I don't need to be that girl again. But I've been too stuck in the past to even see it. I haven't been moving forward and that's what I need to do.
I think it's normal to do that. To be unhappy and look back to this place in time when you were really happy. And then you compare. You want to do the things to get back to that place.
But the truth is, we can't ever be our former selves again. And we don't need to be. We grow. We change. Life happens. We get stronger. Smarter. Better. We can't go backwards and we shouldn't strive for that. We need to move forward.
I don't think I've been moving forward. And I don't think I need to be comparing myself to how much thinner I was then. I think it's the overall picture.
I'm not who I was then - not in mind, body, or spirit. And I never will be. And that's OK. I don't need to be her to be pretty or cool or anything. This version of me is pretty damn spectacular and she's growing into something even more amazing.
Still totally miss that hair though and my hair gal in NYC though.