I debated about writing a post about my goals and focus for 2017. Because, well, I know posts about goals for the new year are so terribly corny and cliche. But I promise not to make these one of those posts.
It's super important to me to make goals. I strongly believe in personal growth. And not just for the new year, but at any time. But I do like the new year. It's like opening a fresh notebook.
And this is the first year where I feel like Mr. T and I can just be. Last year we were just moving into this house and Mama C was living with us. The year before that we were planning our move from NYC. The year before that we were newly married. This year, we're just Mr. T and Jess.
So here's what I'm thinking about my goals and focus for 2017.
Everyone is talking about their word for the year. I have two: positive and balance.
I've spent the better part of the past couple of years being so negative. Part of it was because I was struggling to love myself. Part of it was because I've made so many huge changes. But a lot of it was because I just lost the ability to be positive. I couldn't really see the positive in anything.
So this year, I'm going to work to bring positivity into my life. To see the good things amongst the bad and in the bad. To see bad things as a learning experience. And to not be so damn hard on myself.
I have NO idea how to balance anything, you guys. If I'm responsible, I don't know how to have fun. If I want to give myself a treat, I order the whole DQ menu (five nights in a row). If I'm working hard on my shop, everything else suffers. If I worry about everything else, my shop suffers.
And, frankly, it's annoying the shit out of me. My lack of balance is largely what's responsible for my unhappiness.
And a lot of it is because of my need for perfectionism. Because perfectionists don't know how to balance anything. It's all or nothing.
But this is wreaking havoc on my whole life. I need to learn that I can be a little bit of both things sometimes. I can do a little bit of both things sometimes. I can do all of the things sometimes. But I cannot do all of the things all of the time.
Overall and more than anything, I'm going to give myself permission to be who I am this year. If I'm real with you, I've found that a huge struggle since getting married. I feel like I'm pressuring myself to be the gal I was when Mr. T and I were dating. I'm also pressuring myself to be this picture perfect wife. I want to have it all together all of the time. And if I don't I feel terribly awful. And that's the real struggle. That's the real problem.
Life is shitty sometimes. But it's beautiful too. And I'm a mess sometimes. But I'm beautiful too. And sometimes I really have no idea what I'm doing - in life, with my shop, or in my marriage. And I'm determined to find a way to embrace all of the beautiful shit that I can.
And, finally. I want to make a difference this year. As I shared around election time, I was heartbroken. But I also realized that I don't do enough. I didn't do enough. I don't know if I can ever really do enough because, to be honest, I don't know what enough is. But I'm going to do my best to try. I've pledged to donate 50 cents of every sale to Planned Parenthood as a start. And Mr. T and I have vowed to be more active in politics and our community. And I'm also going to spread as much love as I can because I think we need way more of it in this world (and it totally can't hurt, right?).