Ashamed & Heartbroken

My plan was to post a healthy life journal today. I'm so behind because of the craft fair and I really want to get back into things.

But honestly, I can't. I just can't. I can't think of anything except the events that have unfolded and what's going on in our country today. So I decided that's what I should write about. I can't just sit here and say nothing. And I'm sorry if this comes out in one huge spew of verbal vomit.

For the past I don’t know how long I sat super silent. I didn't post a lot of my thoughts and beliefs on this blog or on Facebook and I didn't say much to people in person for fear of igniting a firestorm. I didn't stop the spread of hate and lies for fear of offending people that I know. It's no secret that Indiana is a red state. And while a majority of my family isn't for Trump necessarily, they're Republican and, honestly, I just didn’t want to stir shit up.

But that changes now.

As I sit here today I feel sick that I never said anything. I know that you can't change people's minds, but I feel like there was so much more I could have done that I didn't.

I'll be honest. Clinton was not my choice. I felt the Bern so hard and I legitimately believe that if he was on the ballot yesterday the outcome would have been so different. I voted for Clinton. I voted for her despite the fact that I knew Indiana would go red. I just needed to do something. I needed to do my part. And even though she wasn't my choice I do legitimately feel she'd do a great job as President.

I've felt this all along. Yet I sat silently. I sat silently as people I know posted racist, misogynistic, and homophobic things in support of Donald Trump. I sat while people posted incorrect information. While people posted hate. And I did nothing. And look where we are today. A place that I honestly never thought we'd be.

If you had told me that Trump even had a chance of winning, I would have laughed in your face. And I guess that's part of the problem. That so many people, like me, didn't see what is really happening in our country.

I feel so sad that I've already seen posts from people I know and love about how they're now afraid because they're gay or black or Muslim. Honestly, that makes my heart hurt in a way I can't even describe. No one should ever have to feel that way. And I shouldn't have sat here silently as it happened.

I don't totally blame myself, but I genuinely believe that I could have done more. That I should have done more and that makes me sad.

But what makes me even sadder is the fact that America isn't what I thought it was. That all of the things I naively believed this country stood for is a lie. I feel like I've been living in a pretend world. A bubble. A world that I wanted to exist. A world that I thought existed, but didn't. I just feel sad. Heartbroken. Ashamed.

I understand people want change. So do I. I also understand that people don't feel Obama got us to where we want to be. Hell, I even understand that people feel that Obama destroyed our country (I mean, that couldn't be farther from the truth. But you know what I mean). But the change that Donald Trump will bring is not the kind of change America needs or should want. And I'm so ashamed that it's the change that anyone would fight for.

What I fear is not Trump himself and what he will do. What I fear is what he's ignited in his followers. The power he's given to hate, bigotry, misogyny, racism, sexism, and homophobia. I fear the divide there will be in the American people. A divide that I already see. A divide that will likely put me, as a white woman, on a side I don't want to be on.

I believe in freedom. I believe in love. I believe in kindness. I believe our differences are beautiful and should be celebrated.

Donald Trump stands for none of those things. And his followers stand for none of those things. And if you voted for him, you ARE a Trump follower. You ARE a Trump supporter. And you support all that he stands for. You support racism, bigotry, misogyny, and homophobia. It doesn't matter if you voted for him because he was "the lesser of two evils". You support his awful ways. So I hope you can live with yourself.

As for me, my only saving grace is the fact that Clinton won the popular vote. That fact is a small victory to me. It makes me feel like maybe there is still some hope in this really dark time. That maybe love can somehow come through. That maybe there are enough people that will still move our country forward and won't destroy how far it's come.

I've also made it a personal mission to get more involved with some human rights organizations. I want to do my part. I've sat silently for too long and I just can't anymore. I can't sit by and watch all of the things I believe in die. So if anyone knows any that you feel are really awesome and doing good in this world, let me know.