Settling vs. Compromising
A couple of weeks ago, I wrote a post about articles that talk about settling. If you recall, I said they make me cringe. I also said I would elaborate a bit more about that whole settling thing. So, here it goes. Apologies if I sound ranty.
When referring to settling, people often use examples like a receding hairline or leaving dirty socks on the floor or some equally trivial thing. There's even a commercial for a certain cable company where a woman looks at the hot guy across the street as her balding chubby husband comes up behind her.
Are these sorts of things settling? I mean, what about them really means you're settling? Seriously. I feel like I'm missing something here.
Long before I met Mr. T I figure out what I wanted out of a partner. I often struggled with the idea on if I would actually find it, but nevertheless I had my list of wants. My list was simple -- be a good person, make me laugh, put up with the fact that I'm a weirdo, have goals and not be a lump of crap, and a few other things. (OK, maybe that wasn't the exact list, but you get the gist.) The point is, however, that I never, ever once thought to myself "gee, I really want a guy with a full head of hair or who looks hot when he's all hot washing a car."
So when did this stuff become settling? I mean, to me settling is when you end up with someone less than what you deserve or someone that you don't really love. And I'm not about to judge anyone who makes the decision to do that. It's something I don't think I could ever do, but that's me. We all want different things.
Regardless, I don’t think that deciding to be with a guy who might be a little messier than you or who doesn't look and act like you so-called dream man is settling. I would call it compromising at best. It's called taking the "bad" along with the good. And that, my friends, is what a relationship is about.
I'm not saying that you should be with someone you aren't attracted to. And I'm definitely not saying you should be with someone that is a poor excuse for a human being. But I do think that sometimes we take this settling thing too far and it causes us to make poor judgments. It's like that whole being too pretty to marry a poor guy thing.
There are things about Mr. T that annoy the crap out of me. I hate that he isn't as neat as I am. It annoys me that little details slip past him. He could clean a whole room, but not dust. Then I could come in and see all kinds of dust. He also puts everything off, while I do most things immediately. He also forgets things easily.
And maybe some other guy out there would remember things more. Maybe they would be as neat as me.
But you know what? I don't really care. There is not a single piece of me that feels like I settled in any way at all. That man is amazing. I adore him and I can't wait to spend the rest of my freaking life with him.
I put up with all of the annoyances just like he puts up with mine. I'm pretty sure he never thought he'd marry a crazy neat freak. Or a gal who gets up at 7am on a Saturday because she couldn't sleep because there were dirty dishes in the sink. Sometimes I'm actually pretty sure I'm way more annoying than he is, but that's a whole other post.
And someday we're going to be much, much older. We'll probably look different. Some things might sag or not be the same as the way they were when we first met. Oh well. I love him. We love each other. That's a relationship.
Bottom line is, if you're expecting to love every single thing about a person, you're living in a fantasy world. That's just not how it works. Accepting a person (and all of their flaws) isn't settling.