This past weekend I had a total melt down. I'm still not totally sure why. Sometimes I think it's just the universe's way of keeping things in check. Just when you have a moment where you're thinking you're getting into the swing of things it's like wait, are you sure?!? And then the melt down happens.
I think things were just getting to me and I was putting too much pressure on myself.
What I realized is that quitting my job was a lot harder than I thought. To be honest, I don't even know what I thought it would be like to not have a job.
At first it was like a dream come true. I thought about all of the things that I could do with my "free" time. And how amazing it would be to have time to do anything I wanted.
What I realized is that that's not entirely correct.
Sometimes, having too much time is your worst enemy. You tend to feel like you have all the time in the world. So it's easy to put stuff off or find other projects to do or have way too many projects to do. Then, you really just get nothing done at all.
I've also realized that sometimes it's hard to feel like I have a purpose. I tend to be too down on myself sometimes. If sales aren't going well or if I'm not getting as many hits on my blog. If the house isn't clean enough. Whatever I can find to pick at myself about, I do. And I haven't totally figured out why. Sometimes I just feel like I do all of this work and there's nothing to show for it.
And it's also really easy to feel guilty. I feel guilty when I do too much house work. I feel guilty when I work too much on my shop or my crafts. I feel guilty if I don't put in a full eight hour day. It's really hard to know exactly what I should be doing at what moment. Which is kind of the thing about working for yourself -- there technically isn't anything you're supposed to be doing at any point in time. You dictate what you need to do and when. And, well, that's kind of hard to do sometimes (and it makes it super easy to get nothing done).
Then I feel really stupid. I mean, how can a person without a full-time job ever feel overwhelmed? Shouldn't this all be easier?
But what I realized (through the help of Mr. T) is that I'm still in a transitional phase. Not only did I quit my job, but we also moved back to the Midwest (and in with my mom). Things have changed. A lot. So obviously it's going to take me a while to figure all of this out. I've worked full time since college, this isn't going to happen overnight.
And part of the problem is my attitude about how this should be (and what I think other people probably think of me).
And the honest truth is that I find this hard. I'm having a hard time. And it doesn't really matter if it should be easier for me. It's not. Don't get me wrong. I'm much happier now. Quitting my job. Moving here. None of that was a mistake. But, basically I'm starting over again and that’s pretty damn scary.
And why shouldn't any of that be hard?
Contributing to life doesn't mean having a full time job. It doesn't mean you have to make money. Maybe you'll only work a few hours a day. Maybe daily naps will be part of your routine. Life is more than work work work and that's part of why I quit my job in the first place.
I work hard. I run a blog. A shop. Do things for my former employer. Work with a magazine. And I take care of my home and Mr. T which is something that he needs. This is what fits us and works for our life.
So maybe I need to calm down a little. And instead wasting so much energy putting so much pressure on myself, I should fuel all of that into figuring out my new life and what I want to do with it and how I want all of this to go.