Oh relationships. They're both the greatest thing and the biggest pain in the ass. All at the same time.
I love Mr. T. I love what we have. I love who we are. I love what we're building. But I will be the first person to admit that sometimes I have no idea what I'm doing with this marriage stuff. And sometimes it's kind of scary.
I was realizing this the other day and I also realized that sometimes I beat myself up. I feel like I should know what to do. I should know him. I should know myself. I should know who we are together. I should know how to handle things.
When I was dating, it was so easy to admit that I didn't know what I was doing. I often wrote blog posts about how I had no idea. I was still trying to figure it out.
But now that I'm married, it seems harder. I think it's because there's this idea that because you've pledged your life to another human being that you should understand what's going on. I mean, otherwise how would you have made the decision to commit in the first place?
And I think that's true to an extent. You should understand commitment. You know, as a concept. You should also know that this is the person you want to be committed too. Marriage isn't something that should be taken lightly.
But that doesn't mean you know every single thing. Or how to handle every single thing that comes your way.
Side note: I'm fully aware that I've used should a whole lot in this post. I still hate that damn word, but there's no other way to put my thoughts.
Mr. T and I have been through a lot in our (almost) first year of marriage. We've been through a lot more than a lot of couples I know. We've dealt with me quitting my job, realizing that it was time to leave NYC, moving to the Midwest, moving in with my mom, a complete lifestyle change, and him starting a new job.
That's a lot. And all of that is new. Some of it is new to us in general. But it's especially new to us as a couple.
Then you toss in the fact that we are newlyweds so there are still things that we're learning about each other. Which is probably the thing that I think I'm most scared of saying out loud. We're still learning. I think I thought that means something about us. Like we didn’t know each other or something.
But the thing that I'm realizing (or at least trying to remind myself) is that I need to be realistic. It's silly to think that we've got it all figured out just because we're married. There are going to be new situations that arise. Things that are tossed our way. And part of marriage is figuring out how to navigate all of that together.
We both spent 30+ years navigating things alone so it's only normal to have a few hiccups along the way.
Sometimes I have no idea what I'm doing. But that's OK.