The other day Mr. T and I had a fight. He slurped his coffee too loud. I made a big deal out of too many little things. And, well, that pretty much set the tone for the day.
Then, towards the end of our final fight of the day, he said something I won't forget. He told me he wished I was the girl I was when we were dating. That I'm not fun anymore.
I was so hurt. How in the world could he say that? It was like the time he asked why I couldn't be normal. Those are fighting words, y'all.
I work so hard to make a happy home for us. I work so hard at so many things to make so many things great for us. How in the world could he not be satisfied with who I am and all that I do? Doesn't he appreciate how hard I work? Doesn't he appreciate me?
But you know what? It's not about any of that. And, he's completely and utterly 100% correct -- I'm not fun anymore.
I take good care of us. No, I take damn freaking amazingly great care of us. I take care of our home. Cook meals. Remind him of important things. Do all the errand runs. Make sure we don't spend our mortgage money on beer. The list goes on and on.
But I'm not fun anymore.
I always thought all of the other things I did was enough. That's my role in our relationship. He's the Director of Fun and I'm the Warden. I keep us on track. I take care of all of the little details. That was my role and I left the fun up to him. That's how it was when we were dating. He planned almost all of the dates.
But what I didn't realize is that while he may have planned all of the dates, I showed up ready, willing, and able. I helped create an environment where we could have fun. I didn't stress about every little thing. My feelings didn't get hurt as often as they do now.
And I know things will never be like they were when we were dating. I don't want them to be and I genuinely believe he doesn't either. I love myself more now. I love who I am and who I'm becoming. I love life more. And I love us. But that doesn't mean that I can't apply some of the things I did when we were dating. That doesn't mean I have to be business all the time.
I need to help create that environment again. I need more balance. Funny thing is, I've noticed this is a constant thing in my life. Needing more balance. No extreme is ever good. Life is best in the in betweens.
Every single thing I do right now is important. I am working hard to create a wonderful and beautiful home and life for us. But I have to find room for other things too. And finding room for the other things doesn't mean I'm neglecting anything. It just means I'm balancing all the important shit.
And maybe it was a really stupid thing to say. But it was honest and it needed to be said.
So, I'm going to work on finding the balance. I'm going to work on being fun again. Because I want to be fun again. (Also, it's so weird to say I have to work at being fun. Who'd ever thought that being fun would be so damn hard?!)