I Want to Love Myself Again

I haven't been very kind to myself lately. And I don't mean that in the way it sounds. Because I'm sure it seems like I've been beating myself up or something. And while it's true, I have, oh so very much. That's not what I'm talking about.

I'm talking about my health, you guys. And it's time for a little real talk here. A coming to Jesus, if you will. Because I've officially hit rock bottom.

I don't love myself anymore.

The truth is, I haven't loved my weight for quite some time. I was a decent weight when I first met Mr. T. I wouldn't have minded being a little less, but I felt good. I felt confident.

But after we were married, I don't know what happened. I just became fat and lazy. And it became worse when we moved back to the Midwest. I convinced myself it was OK because I wasn't really gaining and I wasn't eating too much fast food. But, well, those aren’t the only unhealthy choices you can make.

This is all so terribly hard for me to admit out loud. Especially on my blog, for all the world to see. But I feel it's an important discussion. And I also feel like it's part of getting myself back where I want to be. Ya have to be honest about the way things really are. It's a part of personal growth.

I haven't felt well lately. At all. And I mean that both in the mental and physical sense. I feel terrible about myself. I hate looking in the mirror. I find intimacy incredibly hard. I don't want to go out. I don't want to put on real clothes. I feel uncomfortable in almost every situation. I get out of breath just putting on a damn shoe. I haven't slept well in I don't know how long.

The real kicker was when I couldn't fit in the chair at the movies and when I went to lunch at Potbelly's and sat in shame as I felt like everyone was looking at the fat girl wolfing down the chicken salad sandwich. And the fact that I weighed myself for the first time in like eight years and, well, it was not a number I am happy with.

And I'd be lying if I said this hasn't been going on for a while. I always feel like people are staring at me. I always feel like people are thinking look at that fat girl. Even on my honeymoon, almost two years ago. I had to have Mr. T scope out the table to be sure we were seated at one where the chairs didn't have arms. And I didn't want to lay out by the beach if there were people around.

I convinced myself it's all OK. Because I'm really not that big. And most people tell me I'm not. But I really think it's because I carry it better since I'm tall.

But the truth is, it doesn't matter how big or small I am, If I'm not happy, I need to make some changes. No one should feel the way I do. It's not healthy. And eating the way I do, not being active enough, and so on aren't healthy either.

I know I shouldn't beat myself up this much. Fat shaming myself isn't the answer. But I also know that's not the answer here. Because I know this is more than just feeling bad about a fat day. I know these feelings aren't just going to go away if I think positive thoughts. They haven't gone away. They've just become stronger. So I can't ignore them anymore. I want to make a change. A big change.

And, truth be told, it's been a long time coming. It's something I've needed to do for a long time. I don’t want to feel bad anymore - mentally or physically. I want to take better care of myself. I want to be active and excited about things. I want to love myself again.

So today starts a new life for me and Mr. T. And we're actually going to do it this time. He's ready and so am I.

We're not getting into any gimmicks or weird diet plans or anything, Just good old-fashioned eating your fruits and veggies and all else that's good for you. Being conscious of portion control.

We're going to start small and take this one day at a time, which, honestly, is the hardest thing for me.

We've started a two month plan that includes no junk food at all. No cookies. No chips. No donuts. Nothing. Then we figure we'll asses things and figure out how we want to tackle the next couple of months. Ideally I want to be the gal who generally doesn't each junk food, but allows it as a treat every now and then. I want to have a better, healthier relationship with food and my body. But I know that's a long way to go.

We're cutting way back on the amount of meat that we'll be eating. And absolutely no fast food or pop ever again (unless we are on an island where the only way to survive is by eating fast food and pop).

We're developing a workout regimen that will be easy to maintain. And plan on turning half of our three seasons room into a little workout space.

I know it's going to be hard. I know it will be a challenge. But I really, really know it's time.

I'm sure I'll share some of my progress, challenges, updates, etc. on the blog. But I haven't figured out exactly how that's going to go yet. Right now I'm terrified of sharing weight, stats, pics, etc. But maybe as I go along I won't feel so afraid. Actually, I really hope that's a part of this process.

It's weird how scary this feels, you guys. But I've done this before and I know and I can do it again. I'm super excited to get started and I have a whole bunch of new fun recipes to try. And I'm so glad and grateful that I'll have Mr. T by my side doing this with me.