Healthy Living Journal: Week 30

Still doing it. And week 30 is down.

Though I still don't seem to be feeling any better about stuff.

I know a lot of it is because I'm a perfectionist and that's something I don't think I will every shake. And part of it was being super womanly and hormonal this week.

Let me just explain.

We decided to let loose a little over Mr. T's Spring break. What started as some harmless pizza ordering turned to getting dessert on a random afternoon and then lead to somehow ordering pizza and getting lunch out twice that weekend.

Translation? We totally went off the rails. I mean, once you start it's so hard to go back.

And I will openly admit that, at the time, it felt nice. It felt good to just enjoy some pizza and fries. And to let loose a little bit and not worry so much about what we were eating or should be eating.

And, I do legitimately believe that everyone has to do that sometimes.

The problem is the aftermath. All of this letting loose somehow carried into this week. I found myself too tired to cook. And healthier foods didn't sound as good. And we totally weren't prepared for dinners or lunches or anything.

And then I lost it. I broke down crying on Wednesday night because I still feel so far away from my goal. I still have much that I want to do. I was just feeling totally and utterly helpless.

Part of the issue is that I've been on this roller coaster so many times. I've mentioned it before, but this isn't my first rodeo. I've been heavy all of my life. So I've spent about as much time trying to not be heavy too. I've been successful, but I've also always fallen off the wagon at some point and gained it all back. I've always stopped worrying and totally abandoned all my principles.

So needless to say, this past couple of weeks have really terrified me.

I also just thought I'd have lost more by this point. Though I will openly admit that I don't really know what that means and that's a terrible way to go about things. What exactly does "more" mean? If you don't have a clearly defined goal, it's really hard to know if you're meeting that goal and really easy to assume you're not.

Mr. T reminded me that I've always had to do this alone and that it's so much harder when you're doing it alone. But now I have him. We have each other. We're doing this together.

And he's right. Damn that man for being so wise and to me for forgetting how wise he is.

So I think I need to remember to lean on him a little more. And when I'm feeling like things are spiraling out of control, I need to tell him. Maybe he can help keep me on course. Or maybe he can at least help me to not go completely crazy when I get off course.

We're totally a team. We're doing this together. We both want this for ourselves. We both want this for each other.

And just for fun.

This was Mr. T and I at the Dayton game at the Barclays Center two years ago:

And this is Mr. T and I now (I took this picture this past Friday):

The difference, you guys. Seriously. And it's not just about how much thinner our faces look. It's also about how much healthier we look. I should also mention that I'm not wearing makeup in the second picture, but I am in the first. 

So whenever I get down about how things are going, I need to do this. The difference is remarkable - both in how I look AND how I feel.